[SOMETIMES........ YOU CONTAIN MULTITUDES...... such as being both a top and a bottom, sometimes even simultaneously and with the same person. "You mean a switch, pixi?" No. No I don't.
BUT ALSO WHY THIS. WHY!!! DON'T JUST PERCEIVE HIM SO ACCURATELY AAAAAAAAA WHAT IF HE DIES AGAIN RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT. He shifts awkwardly, looking very much like he wants to be anywhere but here at this very moment. It's not even the first time someone has called him out on this (because he is not all that subtle), but he's so used to guarding all his secrets that he never knows what to do. At least when it's more-or-less well-intentioned people, or straightforward people like Shouxue.]
We... grew up together. [That's. Not an answer. But his terrible dodging is probably its own answer?] Our moms were best friends.
it's not hard to perceive when the dream laid it out simply. she, unfortunately (for me, ara), isn't too interested in people's love lives or that kind gossip, but there are a couple items of contention (that she may or may not be hypocritical about). ]
You have known her for a long time. You are keeping many secrets from her.
[Correct. ALSO RIP YOUR IC SHIP CHARTS!!! Dahut truly has to carry this graveyard in so many ways.
Funnily enough, Shouxue's assessment is spot on in so many ways, but at least for this--]
She knows. She was there with me when we caught up to him. [It just works differently in his nightmares, because he didn't want her to be there. He sent her off for his first session with Ott--he just didn't have time to do it again.] ...But she shouldn't have been. It's not something she should've had to worry about.
[He hadn't wanted her to see him like that--so different from the warm, loving, happy person he always tries to show her. I promise I'll always be the person you like when I'm with you.
In reality, she'd reassured him that she understood the necessity of his ruthlessness; in his heart, he still believes that she shouldn't even know that side of him exists.]
Why? Don't you think that's something she wants to know about you? If you love her.... and if she cares about you, why don't you want her to know?
[ is it for her sake? his sake? she can see both.
she understands keeping secrets because the truth can and does hurt, but it's almost as if.... ]
Don't you want to be with her?
[ she doesn't or shouldn't have the luxury to be with people, but even if he weren't dead... even if he didn't have whatever illness that killed him.... does he not want to be with her? ]
[Truthfully, it is indeed both--but Luke won't say that, because that selfishness is something he's shoved down since he was a child, so much so that it is unconscious and ingrained in him now. The lies he tells, the facades he wears--all of it has tangled selfishness and selflessness so messily, but he doesn't often examine it too closely. Instead, he takes control over situations before anyone else can think to pick at the knots, and deflects, deflects, deflects if they try.
So the answer he gives her isn't a lie, even if it's not the whole story.]
The work I do is top secret and very dangerous. It's not only her--I don't tell anyone the details unless they absolutely need to know. None of us do. It's for everyone's safety, and to make sure our missions aren't compromised. It couldn't be helped that time, but normally, I would never put her life at risk that way.
[Sometimes you are a secret agent and it's messy...
But he knows that's not exactly what she's asking either, and he did just put her through reliving that memory. He can give her a little bit more honesty, even if it's hard.]
...The person I am around a man like him is not the same as the person she grew up with. I don't... want her to think I would ever be like that with her. I want our memories to be happy ones.
[He has only ever tried to be warm, and safe, and reliable for her. I'll only be the person you like when I'm with you.]
I don't know her, but why would she think you'd be like that with her? Living with someone... being around someone... it can't always be happy. It won't always be happy.
[ that's the price of living, of being. ]
Isn't it better if you're with someone knowing the kind of person you can be?
[ they are dead right now. so it's all hypotheticals, but she thinks what he wants for the girl in his memories is a false kind of life. ]
[Quite honestly, he isn't going to explain all his thoughts on the matter to her--partly because she's young, but mostly because it's clear enough to him that she isn't going to agree, or even really understand.
Instead, he shakes his head, clarifying something that he doesn't want Shouxue to misunderstand--]
We're not--together. [He can't say he doesn't love her--especially not when Shouxue walked his memories and lived his feelings. She already knows that much.] She isn't... with me, like that.
AND HELP. This would be so awkward if he didn't have a lifetime of experience correcting people's misconceptions about himself and Rosa, so he just smiles, though it's a tiny bit strained.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She is--[Ah. Um. Ahem.]--one of them, yes.
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shouxue doesn't think any of this. she thinks that he's suddenly so shy for someone who could have killed a man. ]
You love her.
[ she says it not in a teasing way or as if she's digging for gossip and deets but matter-of-fact. ]
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BUT ALSO WHY THIS. WHY!!! DON'T JUST PERCEIVE HIM SO ACCURATELY AAAAAAAAA WHAT IF HE DIES AGAIN RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT. He shifts awkwardly, looking very much like he wants to be anywhere but here at this very moment. It's not even the first time someone has called him out on this (because he is not all that subtle), but he's so used to guarding all his secrets that he never knows what to do. At least when it's more-or-less well-intentioned people, or straightforward people like Shouxue.]
We... grew up together. [That's. Not an answer. But his terrible dodging is probably its own answer?] Our moms were best friends.
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it's not hard to perceive when the dream laid it out simply. she, unfortunately (for me, ara), isn't too interested in people's love lives or that kind gossip, but there are a couple items of contention (that she may or may not be hypocritical about). ]
You have known her for a long time. You are keeping many secrets from her.
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Funnily enough, Shouxue's assessment is spot on in so many ways, but at least for this--]
She knows. She was there with me when we caught up to him. [It just works differently in his nightmares, because he didn't want her to be there. He sent her off for his first session with Ott--he just didn't have time to do it again.] ...But she shouldn't have been. It's not something she should've had to worry about.
[He hadn't wanted her to see him like that--so different from the warm, loving, happy person he always tries to show her. I promise I'll always be the person you like when I'm with you.
In reality, she'd reassured him that she understood the necessity of his ruthlessness; in his heart, he still believes that she shouldn't even know that side of him exists.]
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[ is it for her sake? his sake? she can see both.
she understands keeping secrets because the truth can and does hurt, but it's almost as if.... ]
Don't you want to be with her?
[ she doesn't or shouldn't have the luxury to be with people, but even if he weren't dead... even if he didn't have whatever illness that killed him.... does he not want to be with her? ]
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So the answer he gives her isn't a lie, even if it's not the whole story.]
The work I do is top secret and very dangerous. It's not only her--I don't tell anyone the details unless they absolutely need to know. None of us do. It's for everyone's safety, and to make sure our missions aren't compromised. It couldn't be helped that time, but normally, I would never put her life at risk that way.
[Sometimes you are a secret agent and it's messy...
But he knows that's not exactly what she's asking either, and he did just put her through reliving that memory. He can give her a little bit more honesty, even if it's hard.]
...The person I am around a man like him is not the same as the person she grew up with. I don't... want her to think I would ever be like that with her. I want our memories to be happy ones.
[He has only ever tried to be warm, and safe, and reliable for her. I'll only be the person you like when I'm with you.]
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[ that's the price of living, of being. ]
Isn't it better if you're with someone knowing the kind of person you can be?
[ they are dead right now. so it's all hypotheticals, but she thinks what he wants for the girl in his memories is a false kind of life. ]
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Instead, he shakes his head, clarifying something that he doesn't want Shouxue to misunderstand--]
We're not--together. [He can't say he doesn't love her--especially not when Shouxue walked his memories and lived his feelings. She already knows that much.] She isn't... with me, like that.
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You're not? [ she's surprised. ] Oh.
[ she doesn't know what else to say. ]
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AND HELP. This would be so awkward if he didn't have a lifetime of experience correcting people's misconceptions about himself and Rosa, so he just smiles, though it's a tiny bit strained.]
It's okay.