[well after that, eunhyuk will immediately catch up with shouxue, hand slipping into hers as he stands with her,]
...Shouxue.
[he knows diluc must be hurting and as someone who cares very much for him, shouxue must be hurting as well on his behalf. but that must be a small slice of what she's feeling, there's so much more to be upset about, after all. he can feel it too, the frustration, for once dark and heavy.]
I wish we could see what was going on.
[the tv in the canteen is truly not showing them anything]
[ she will hold his hand tightly. thank god for affection week.
she is emotionally wrought from cyoa to diluc dying to the end of that trial. it's a terrible time to be young and feel emotions. she almost wishes her feelings would hollow out, but she hates that feeling or not feeling, too. ]
It would calm me down, if I knew they were doing something that will help her.
[ thinking about how the mods kept hinting that something would happen if i didn't get voted for. ]
I know they can't fully understand what we went through, but Rosamund reacted the most violently out of all of us. She suffered so viscerally.
Eunhyuk too -- this would have been terrible any other week, but after their recent journey fresh in his mind... all they've done is be put in helpless situations, one after the other.]
...None of us want to be controlled, but Rosamund... It means so much to her. She's fought against that kind of fate her entire life. If we know that, then they must too.
[rosamund, who'd spared him an undignified death. who'd been so kind to him in his final moments. not rosamund, who he'd asked to protect the others.
[ she has sympathy for rosamund, but she does not have as much kindness as she should when she took diluc's life. it is hypocritical of her, considering how deeply she understands the suffering rosamund has, but she can't control her emotions any more than the people she is judging right now.
she does want rosamund to be saved. ]
Whatever they must know, it all flew out with that verdict, and now she must continue to suffer unless they do something about it.
[if shouxue wanted to share that, then eunhyuk would not begrudge her of her feelings. not when shouxue still wants rosamund to be saved, despite what she's done
he squeezes shouxue's hand at that, brow furrowed]
...Rosamund wanted to end it. [she wanted to choose an ending] Do you think she'll still feel the same way when she wakes up?
[ eunhyuk had a tender execution with her. as angry as she is, she won't disrespect his relationship with her.
she squeezes his hand back. ]
I don't know. I don't know her well enough to make a guess, whether or not she's thinking clearly. I do not think there is any peace for her at the moment.
[peace.... he thinks of rosamund's rage. he'd never seen her like that before, even the night before, when he'd said he wanted to kill so many people.]
I've been asking others if I shouldn't yell at them. Should I, Eunhyuk, or shouldn't I? I am not calm enough to know if it's a good idea, but I want to.
[ badly. so much. she prefers to keep to herself as much as possible, but it's been painful to watch how much they're harming each other.
and she is still angry even if her tiredness is starting to take over. ]
[...it wasn't the right question to ask, eunhyuk thinks, when he could just as well speak to them too. he has words and hands too, same as shouxue.
he tugs her lightly, moving somewhere where they can both sit down,]
...You say you don't care about fairness, but you're still asking me what I think.
[isn't that proof that shouxue cares very much? his heart hurts. he's sympathetic to all of the killers in some way, a group of strangers connected by this bond, but he feels softer towards some more than the others. and shouxue is one of them.]
...I think your anger is precious. Because it's yours entirely. [even if it's short-tempered or irrational, even if it's not accompanied by careful thought. it's not foreign rage, ugly and all consuming.] They might be upset hearing what you have to say. And it might not be fair for them to hear it.
[ all her rage isn't hers all the time. it's why it was extra confusing when she was possessed. she could attribute it something not entirely herself and also not the possession when she wasn't in her right mind.
it's part of why she's asking. she trusts eunhyuk's judgment more than she trusts her own when her anger is involved. ]
I don't care so much about upsetting them. [ she has been made upset by them so much. ] We're the ones who know most, who've experienced it, who've felt it. What they think is kindness is poison.
[he brings his other hand to his, so he's clasping her hand with both of his.]
Yes.
[...]
I thought I wasn't in a position to judge the first time. I felt too guilty. And now... I still am, but I'm angry too. But I'm not good at expressing it, or any of my emotions.
she nods. her guilt has not faded either. it still hangs over her no matter how much sidon tells her it isn't her fault and how well he continues to treat her. ]
You don't have to be. [ she knows it's better for his monster illness if he doesn't. ] I don't think we're wrong to be angry. I just don't know how far we should take it.
I feel the same way. ...It's harder now that we know them.
[and far easier if they still didn't know each other, if they had no expectations of each other. no reason to be offended or hurt. and on the other hand, harder because they've seen how caring and kind they have the potential to be.]
...If you could see them right now -- if you could talk to any of them without having to wait on a message. What would you say?
They're fools who who are only going to cut a deeper wound.
[ they didn't get as mad as they should have after she murdered, but they can get mad at her for what she says under duress. she's angry at them for what they said under duress. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 4, saturday
...Shouxue.
[he knows diluc must be hurting and as someone who cares very much for him, shouxue must be hurting as well on his behalf. but that must be a small slice of what she's feeling, there's so much more to be upset about, after all. he can feel it too, the frustration, for once dark and heavy.]
I wish we could see what was going on.
[the tv in the canteen is truly not showing them anything]
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she is emotionally wrought from cyoa to diluc dying to the end of that trial. it's a terrible time to be young and feel emotions. she almost wishes her feelings would hollow out, but she hates that feeling or not feeling, too. ]
It would calm me down, if I knew they were doing something that will help her.
[ thinking about how the mods kept hinting that something would happen if i didn't get voted for. ]
I know they can't fully understand what we went through, but Rosamund reacted the most violently out of all of us. She suffered so viscerally.
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Eunhyuk too -- this would have been terrible any other week, but after their recent journey fresh in his mind... all they've done is be put in helpless situations, one after the other.]
...None of us want to be controlled, but Rosamund... It means so much to her. She's fought against that kind of fate her entire life. If we know that, then they must too.
[rosamund, who'd spared him an undignified death. who'd been so kind to him in his final moments. not rosamund, who he'd asked to protect the others.
he swallows.]
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[ she has sympathy for rosamund, but she does not have as much kindness as she should when she took diluc's life. it is hypocritical of her, considering how deeply she understands the suffering rosamund has, but she can't control her emotions any more than the people she is judging right now.
she does want rosamund to be saved. ]
Whatever they must know, it all flew out with that verdict, and now she must continue to suffer unless they do something about it.
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he squeezes shouxue's hand at that, brow furrowed]
...Rosamund wanted to end it. [she wanted to choose an ending] Do you think she'll still feel the same way when she wakes up?
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she squeezes his hand back. ]
I don't know. I don't know her well enough to make a guess, whether or not she's thinking clearly. I do not think there is any peace for her at the moment.
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I don't think there is either.
[...]
Will you speak to them through Hermes?
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[ badly. so much. she prefers to keep to herself as much as possible, but it's been painful to watch how much they're harming each other.
and she is still angry even if her tiredness is starting to take over. ]
I don't care about fairness.
[ but would it be fair to? ]
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he tugs her lightly, moving somewhere where they can both sit down,]
...You say you don't care about fairness, but you're still asking me what I think.
[isn't that proof that shouxue cares very much? his heart hurts. he's sympathetic to all of the killers in some way, a group of strangers connected by this bond, but he feels softer towards some more than the others. and shouxue is one of them.]
...I think your anger is precious. Because it's yours entirely. [even if it's short-tempered or irrational, even if it's not accompanied by careful thought. it's not foreign rage, ugly and all consuming.] They might be upset hearing what you have to say. And it might not be fair for them to hear it.
But if not us, then who will tell them?
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[ all her rage isn't hers all the time. it's why it was extra confusing when she was possessed. she could attribute it something not entirely herself and also not the possession when she wasn't in her right mind.
it's part of why she's asking. she trusts eunhyuk's judgment more than she trusts her own when her anger is involved. ]
I don't care so much about upsetting them. [ she has been made upset by them so much. ] We're the ones who know most, who've experienced it, who've felt it. What they think is kindness is poison.
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Yes.
[...]
I thought I wasn't in a position to judge the first time. I felt too guilty. And now... I still am, but I'm angry too. But I'm not good at expressing it, or any of my emotions.
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she nods. her guilt has not faded either. it still hangs over her no matter how much sidon tells her it isn't her fault and how well he continues to treat her. ]
You don't have to be. [ she knows it's better for his monster illness if he doesn't. ] I don't think we're wrong to be angry. I just don't know how far we should take it.
I don't want to feel this way about them.
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I feel the same way. ...It's harder now that we know them.
[and far easier if they still didn't know each other, if they had no expectations of each other. no reason to be offended or hurt. and on the other hand, harder because they've seen how caring and kind they have the potential to be.]
...If you could see them right now -- if you could talk to any of them without having to wait on a message. What would you say?
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[ they didn't get as mad as they should have after she murdered, but they can get mad at her for what she says under duress. she's angry at them for what they said under duress. ]
I'm tired watching them.